Over the past couple of months I have had this feeling that I was needing more, but the problem was that I didn’t really know what I was wanting or needing. It was a strange feeling of emptiness, yearning, and confusion. There is not much in my life where I seem to go without. I have a nice home, food for me and the girls, a few extras, a good and steady job, a wonderful new boyfriend, and a general positive, happy-go-lucky outlook on life. Yet, there was still something missing and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It was very confusing for me because I have never really been that high maintenance to where I need certain things to give me a sense of fulfillment. So, being in a vulnerable state for the past week or so, I decided to bring this up to boyfriend and get his opinion.
The Vulnerable State
I struggle a lot with allowing myself to be and feel vulnerable to anyone, even close friends and family. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable puts you in a position to potentially be taken advantage of, ridiculed, or even ostracized by those you love and care for. If you’ve read long enough you know that my marriage of 20 years did not allow me that privilege or pleasure. So this many years later I still struggle with allowing people in and opening up fully. Over the past few months I have been with Mike [pseudonym for the story], we have slowly allowed ourselves to build a pretty good relationship, and have been able to establish a great deal of trust. Neither of us have ever been able to actually do that in a relationship. This is all new territory for us both. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. I can bring up things that I never thought possible, and I can do so in a way that is safe and without judgement. I never would have told my ex that I was clothes free spirit, and that I choose to live my life in the buff as much as possible. Now, I can do that and feel zero shame or judgement for it. Because of this feeling of safety, I can allow myself to feel vulnerable enough to voice what I need and want. I’ve slowly learned you and your partner must allow yourself to be vulnerable before you can build true intimacy.
I thought I knew what intimacy was and how it feels when you are in an intimate relationship. When I thought of intimacy it was primarily as a sexual intimacy with someone. I think part of that stems from me not really having anyone in my life who I felt had an extreme closeness to. Even my best friend through school couldn’t know all my secrets. I had to keep them close to me. It was a form of defense I think. Needless to say, when I open up to anyone it’s a big deal to me. A few weeks ago, I took a huge leap in faith to open up and talk about what I felt I needed. The problem was I didn’t really know what I did need.
I was on the phone with Mike and this weird wave came over me that just forced the words out of my mouth. I basically said that I am needing something and I can’t figure out what it is. I wanted to feel a connection, an intimacy all over. I needed something on the emotional, spiritual, and physical level. I needed something that ran deeper than your typical romantic relationship. Deep down I have been craving a sense of intimacy that was far more connected than anything I have ever desired. He understood and wanted to provide that to me. I almost cried from the sheer joy of it.
On a weekend that neither of us had kids and we both felt ready and comfortable we would try find our deep, spiritual intimacy. The ex and I usually swap the kids at 5 PM according to our schedule. Several weeks ago our Friday’s happen to fall when I was going to be free until Monday night, and Mike was free from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. It was the perfect weekend. I agreed to go to his house since he lives more out in the country than me. Very quiet and serene.
I packed a weekend bag and went straight there. It was about a 45 minute drive due to Friday rush hour traffic, but it wasn’t too bad all things considering. I get to his house and he greeted me at the door in his underwear, t-shirt, and a glass of wine for me. My heart swelled and he helped me get my things inside. I took a couple sips of wine and we hugged and kissed for quite some time. We actually burnt the bread for not paying attention. I asked if I could use his shower because I felt nasty and sweaty from the high heat and humidity during the week. He said “of course, my love, you can do anything you want here.” I grinned, kissed him, and grabbed my bag and went up stairs. I walked through the master bedroom to get to the bathroom, and the blackout curtains were closed with candles lit to provide an intimate atmosphere. I got really excited and hurried to the bathroom. Being hot and sweaty from the heat and my own anxiety, I took a lukewarm shower so I could cool off a bit. While deciding on what to put on, I take a sip of wine and decide my current state was the perfect dress. I was told I could do what I wanted here.
I walked down the steps carrying nothing but my mostly empty wine glass filled with sweet red wine. Before we can make eye contact I get a double take look and an excited grin presented back to me. I walk up to steal a kiss when I am pulled in fast for a deep, passionate kiss and warm hands wrapped around my back. I know it was killing him to see me there naked, but I was starving and just wanted to eat. I can get a bit hangry when I don’t eat.
Right before dinner I ate a THC gummy I had bought from a provider. I got them to help me to relax and sleep. After the gummy and a couple glasses of wine I was feeling pretty relaxed. I top off my wine, steal a kiss, and said let’s go upstairs. We lay out a quilt on the floor, close all the doors so we have nothing but the candle light, and we sit down in front of each other naked. The entire setting was very intimate and relaxing. There was even soft love music playing in the background.
Next we spread our legs open and I lay mine across his hips and scoot closer together so our bodies are touching. We were intertwined with arms and legs, and we gazed into each others eyes for a few moments before leaning in together for another kiss. After kissing we lean back some, place our hands over each others hearts, and I was told to “tell me things that you appreciate about me, and when you’re done I will tell you things I appreciate about you.”
The goal is to actually tell each other the things we are thinking but never say. It’s easy to tell someone you appreciate them doing something, saying a compliment, or expressing a general gratitude for them as a person, but letting your guard down and expressing your inner thoughts to someone truly takes courage and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Having the safe space to do so made it extremely easy to just close my eyes and start talking as I think. Once we were done expressing our appreciation for each other in a dark, intimate, and safe setting, we were able to show our love and affection in a much more deep, meaningful way. You could feel the love and desire for connection oozing out of us.
As human beings we are social creatures whether we want to admit it or not. I am one of the biggest introverts you will ever meet! I generally don’t look people in the eye or acknowledge you as you walk by. I prefer to keep my head down and live in my own thoughts. However, as introverted as I am, I still need some kind of social human interaction. Granted, it’s probably less of a requirement than most, but still a requirement nonetheless. Personally, I have yearned for the opportunity to connect to someone much deeper than our usual superficial relationships. Sure you can have nudist friends and even a partner who partakes in a clothes free life, but do you really have that deep connection that you require or subconsciously strive for? I have spent the better part of my adult life looking for that connection, and no matter where I turned I could not find that connection. You would think after being with someone for over 20 years that you would find that. Nope. After I met Mike I immediately felt a connection, but I wasn’t sure how that connection would play out or how deep it would go. Regardless, I knew that any connection would be short lived unless I could express myself fully, without judgement, and with the utmost support of my choice to be naked when I can. The moment I said that I prefer to be naked and I want to be naked as much as I can, I felt a relief and satisfaction come over me when I was told “you an be naked as much as you want”. Over the past 6 months I have been able to “prove” the benefits of living a nude life and Mike has starting doing it himself when possible. This makes my heart smile. Next up is going to a club together!
Back to my story…After he and I took the time to establish a deep intimacy like neither of us have ever experienced, we intertwined ourselves in each others arms and legs. I laid on top of him straddled and wrapped my arms under his and used my legs to hold him tightly. We were essentially laying heart-to-heart. He wrapped me up in his long arms and held me tight and we closed our eyes and focused on the spiritual connection we had just discovered. No words were spoken the entire time. We were both thrilled from happiness, satisfied on every level, and completely exhausted from the physical and emotional roller coaster we had just experienced. After a few minutes of laying there we both agreed it was time for bed.
You will read a lot of blogs, articles, and social media about the benefits of going naked or living a clothes free life. The amount of opinions out there are far more than we can count, but most of them just say the same things over and over again. I’ve been guilty of it myself. I never realized how important nudity is for yourself and your relationships until the weekend Mike and I had to explore this deep search for connection. There is nothing we can’t or don’t talk about, there is a mutual desire that almost seems uncontrollable at times, and I have never felt more safe around anyone in my life. I have met so many people like him, but never have I been able to establish this kind of connection. I can say without a doubt that having the courage to express who I am, my love for the naked lifestyle, and that I will no longer allow myself to be lost in what society expects of me. I attribute this level of freedom to my journey into loving myself, nudity, and feeling free enough to express myself.
If you have never experienced something like what I did a few weeks ago, then I STRONGLY encourage you to talk to your partner about this and how you can work together to achieve this level of intimacy. If you don’t have anyone right now, then I hope this gives you some encouragement that the person you need is still out there waiting to have the same desires and connection that you are.
Get naked, build relationships, and find your naked intimacy.